Breakdown of "Creation Thawing"

        In this blogpost I talk about the poem "Creation Thawing" that I wrote. You can find that poem here, but it will also be copied and pasted throughout as I talk about specific sections:

Link

A Brief Forward

        So after writing that poem and this breakdown, I started watching some poetry content on youtube. Fascinating stuff which kind of made me feel like my poem is bad. Which it is on the grand scheme of things, of course. But that's not what matters I think? So regardless of the fact that I can get so much better at writing poetry, I'm proud of the poem that I did write. And obviously if I'm ever to get better at poetry the most important step to doing so is writing more poetry, so there's that.

        Anyway, onto the needlessly obtuse breakdown:

        

Quick Overview

       This poem is about some struggles I have in my creative/creation process. I originally started writing it because I started to freeze up (a topic/theme discussed in the poem). I broke through and in an attempt to describe what I was feeling and the thoughts I was having about what I was going through, I started writing short lines for a poem. After iterations, those lines became this poem.

        In its middle stages of creation, the poem was actually structured as a set of three poems that were meant to be read in conjunction. The first three 'paragraphs' were titled "Creation at a Standby" and then later "Creation Frozen". The next three 'paragraphs' were titled "Creation at a Crawl" and later "Creation Thawing". Then the last three 'paragraphs' I simply labeled as "Creation", but I never felt that title was the one I wanted it to have.

        It was actually this struggle with the third title that led me to simply remove the separation altogether and conjoin them into one poem. I think the three separate but connected poem idea is cool. It came about because the structure of what I was writing flowed within the sets of three paragraphs, and specific ideas were tackled by each section. 

        Although now one poem, their structures and specific ideas are still split across the 3 sections which I'll be calling the 1st, 2nd, and 3rd Sections.

My Personal Meaning to the Poem

1st Section

It's easier to do nothing than something

So nothing often happens

It's easier to stop than finish

So stop often happens

It's easier to consume than create

So consume often happens

Such easy dopamine

The things I truly want lay on the wayside

So many choices 

The things I do make me feel like I am missing another

Ice creeps through my veins

So I sit in paralysis

        As referenced before, this section was originally titled "Creation at a Standby" and later "Creation Frozen" because this section simply states my struggle with no offer of hope, solution, or alternative.

        The first paragraph is talking about how creating something can be difficult for me. It's easier for me to never start or to stop than it is for me to create anything at all. It's easier for me to simply watch youtube videos ("consume").

        Paragraph two expands on this. "Such easy dopamine" is a reference to that "It's easier to consume than create". It's so easy for me to simply open up youtube, find a random video to watch, spend x amount of time doing that, rinse and repeat. But often I walk away from watching that video feeling like I didn't really want to watch it. That the primary reason why I watched it was simply because it was a convenient, easy way to distract my brain, and I would choose to do something else if I could go back and change that decision. 

        Nuance nuance here: Obviously youtube can be a wonderful place full of goodness in a variety of ways -- and it often is that for me. But other times it leads to, well, me wasting time. And, slightly different note, obviously living in a constant state of "I have to be doing the optimal thing at all times and if I don't do that than I'm constantly regretting my use of time" is not healthy, and I hope I'm not invertedly promoting that mindset here. It's a balance between recognizing that I want to do something differently while not beating myself up over it etc. etc. Fighting off unhealthy mindsets/fears is part of what Section 2 focuses on. 

        In this poem "things I truly want" is referencing creating things, working on creative projects or other things such as blog posts, various youtube video ideas, an app/video game idea, Auzzy Quite Liked Her Name, alongside other things I want to do including mission journal transcriptions, other writing projects, and reading.

        

        "So many choices" is referencing how sometimes when I go to do something, my mind is bombarded with all the other things I also want to be doing. It makes me feel, well, it makes me feel like what paragraph 3 says. In this case, "So many choices" is not only referring to the "things I truly want", but is also referencing tons of random small things that my brain says I need to get to. 

        "When's the last time you talked to x friend or y family member?", "You still need to read some scriptures today, are you sure you should be doing this instead?", "You've been meaning to post a life update on facebook for years now, you really should get on that.", and then the ever present "You don't have a job, why are you doing anything else besides attempting to find a job."

        I hate this bombardment of thoughts, and although those sentences aren't exactly what goes on in my brain (but is more just an attempt of trying to get the idea across), these thoughts weigh me down at times. Sometimes it's better and sometimes worse, of course. The worst offender by far is the ever present thought at the end, which I'm trying to get a healthier mindset around.

        

        All these thoughts can send me into a state of paralysis. A petrified state where it feels so difficult to act because it feels like I won't be able to get to even a fraction of what I want to, so why even try. And even if I do pick one, it wasn't the correct one, that I should be working on something else instead. 

        This is what paragraph 3 talks about. There's a physical sensation of something crawling through my veins in my arms, freezing them in place. This is where the idea of the 'ice' throughout the poem comes from. This is also where the poem gets its name.

2nd Section

So afraid of failing while creating

So afraid of creating something worth nothing

But perhaps the attempt itself has intrinsic value

So afraid of choosing one over another

So afraid of wasting that potential

But perhaps they can all be done, one by one

I'm afraid of wasting

I'm afraid of freezing

But perhaps I need only to try

        The last line in each paragraph is fighting off the fears. In this section, my fight back against this ice/paralysis begins. This is why this section was originally titled "Creation at a Crawl" and later "Creation Thawing". 

        Paragraph 4 (aka, paragraph 1 in this section) talks about how I'm scared that I'll struggle and fail while creating -- struggling and failing is hard. It'd be so easy if I could just make something fantastic immediately, but that's not how it works. It then talks about how I'm scared that even if I do manage to create something, that it won't be worthwhile. 

        These fears are fought back by the thought that perhaps the attempt itself is worth something. That even if I fail or even if I create something that ends up being thrown away the next day, that that effort was not wasted.

        Paragraph 5 talks more about the idea of how when I choose one thing "I truly want", I feel I won't be able to get to (and therefore waste the potential of) another thing "I truly want". These fears are combatted by the thought that perhaps they can all be done if I just take them one at a time. 

        The thing is (although I don't like to remind myself of this fact), I don't even know if that's true. The "But perhaps" is in there for a reason. Can I really do all the things?

        But the thought helps me focus. It helps me calm down and just pick one thing to do rather than be overwhelmed by how many things I want to do.

        Paragraph 6 encompasses all these ideas. I'm afraid of wasting. Wasting my time. Wasting these great ideas I feel I have. Letting my friendships waste away. I'm afraid of freezing. I'm afraid of having all these things paralyze me into a state where I do nothing at all (which, I'll note here, is different than a state of relaxing or taking a break).

        These fears are combatted by the thought that perhaps I need only to try.

        Using the word 'I' in this paragraph made it feel more personal and real for me. It's the last paragraph in the section; this slight change up makes that work better, I feel. It focuses in on the fact that this poem isn't just about anyone's fears, but they're mine. And these "But perhaps" thoughts lead me to having a healthier mindset around them.

3rd Section

When the ice starts to form

And my brain starts to short circuit

I'll heed those voices not

And channel this desire strong

I'll focus on a thing I want

And create it

        This last section finishes the poem with a declaration of what I want and will try to do when these struggles come.

        The "brain starts to short circuit" references another sensation that commonly comes alongside the ice (although do not always appear together). My brain just starts to shut down is the simplest way of putting it. I could go much more in-depth about this, and perhaps I will another time depending.

        "I'll heed those voices not" is referencing 1 Nephi 8:33. "But we heeded them not" is a powerful phrase to me. "Those voices" is referencing all the fears and things I discussed throughout the rest of the poem.

        "And channel this desire strong" is referencing this deep desire I have in my heart to create and work on these things. It pushes me to make, to create.

        In the last paragraph, my use of the word 'a' here is intentional. 'The' would perhaps imply that there's only one right choice of thing to work on, and there's only one thing I want at any given time, which isn't true. 'a' pulls back to the idea of doing things 'one by one'.

No Phun Intended Tier List

        So this is my first time ever sitting down and fully making a tier list for No Phun Intended. I've always known generally which songs are my favorite, but the lower end I've really had no idea how things would shake out.

        For those who don't know, No Phun Intended is an album made by a 17 year-old Tyler Joseph. The fact that he wrote this in high school is incredible. Every lyric is compact with meaning and every song is performed with so much emotion. This album makes me feel more things than any other music, each song is just so raw and powerful.

        The production quality is obviously low, and, as shown in my rankings, it's not like I love every song. But that doesn't mean I don't love every song, if that makes sense. That sentiment is true more for this album than any other, I think. 

        Especially with an album as emotional as this, people will connect to different songs. Anybody could tell me any song from this album is their favorite and a thought like, "Really?" wouldn't even cross my mind, which, ofc, isn't true for most music ex. how does anyone like Bounce Man, I don't get it (sorry, have to keep playing into my certified Bounce Man hater persona to annoy Ben)

        The S, A+, and A songs are all songs I genuinely enjoy and I should really add them to my playlist. Obviously this is more true the higher on the tier list you get (with an asterisk on TB Saga, we'll talk more about that in a sec). Although, granted, due to the fact that they're very emotional and they sound ¿old?/not like the rest of the songs on the playlist, it probably wouldn't be uncommon for me to skip them. 

        Okay, so the asterisk on Taco Bell Saga: Taco Bell Saga is the greatest song of all time... but like not really, haha. But, like, it's the greatest song of all time. 

        The fact that a song such as Taco Bell Saga (an incredibly goofy silly fun song about Taco Bell) exists on the same album as Save (a song where Tyler Joseph is literally screaming and pleading with all his heart to God and Christ to save him) is incredible. 

        On top of that, it's just the fact that the man who made Taco Bell Saga is also the one who has made so many other powerful deep songs (Neon Gravestones feels like a prime example) and has, through his music, saved a lot of people's lives. It's just awesome and makes me happy. 

        Taco Bell Saga's existence makes me so happy. Enough to put it in S tier when perhaps it really shouldn't be. I almost gave it the #1 spot, haha, but Drown and Blasphemy are too goated.

        Like, seriously, this fact is so hilarious and great to me. Feel free to check out this amazing thing yourself: Taco Bell Saga Link, Save Link.

        

        This was a really tough tier list to make because emotion just plays such a large part in my love for these songs. Save, for example, I like less in several ways to Hear Me Now and Tonight, but it just hits me so hard. Obviously in other tier lists emotion plays a part, but not this strong of a part. On top of that, I don't actively listen to these songs, so I had to a lot of refreshing and such. But I think in the end, the tier list ended up in a good spot.

Tier List made in TierMaker (which I clipped out the logo of to make the image not have tons of empty space)

My Thoughts on Lorcana Vs Smash (for me) (competitively speaking)

        So I love Super Smash Bros Ultimate. I generally regard it as my favorite video game of all time. I've spent hundreds of hours watching pro-level Smash, and I've spent thousands of hours playing it. I've had a blast with it, met tons of awesome people through it, and grown because of it.

        And yet. I think I might like competing in Lorcana more?

        Here are some of my thoughts on the topic.

        Fundamentally on paper it makes sense to me. 

        When I think about my skills and strengths as a human being, my thoughts definitely turn toward 'strategic thinking' before they ever turn toward something such as 'good reaction time'. Although overall I'm an accomplished Smash player (for a local scene), I feel that, theoretically, I would be a stronger Lorcana player. And so far, the results seem to back that thought, although the sample size is much much smaller compared to my Smash career (the results being in order at Set Champs 5th, 3rd, 2nd, 3rd, 3rd, 2nd, and then a 2nd at a $2k). 

        My individual skills better aligning with the skills the game asks for is connected to my next thought:

        I have faith in myself.

        Even though I'm good, even great, at Smash and definitely feel I still have room to grow, there just feels like such a gap when I watch top Smash players. I watch them, and I feel like I could never get to that level. That they're just better. And always will be. Of course part of that is because they play more than me and practice smarter than me. But I still feel like they just have a talent for the game that I'll just never be able to have.

        But I don't feel that when I watch top-level Lorcana. Perhaps it's because it's a turn-based game, so it's easier to see a decision being made and feel like you could've done the same (vs the constant barrage of interactions that are taking place in a game of Smash). Perhaps it's because due to the nature of the game, seeing the skill gap between players is much more difficult (which I do think is the case). So perhaps I'm just being naive, but in my heart I feel like I could become a top-level Lorcana player. And I don't feel that way about Smash. 

        I think this faith in myself to reach those highest levels is a big reason why I feel more drawn to Lorcana right now.

         

        I think I might simply be getting tired of Smash.*

        To be fair, I do think part of that is being at the upper-echelon of my local scene for so long. If I were to relocate to a fresh scene where the competition is tougher, perhaps my energy for the game would come back. Regardless, I think Lorcana is a much newer and exciting endeavor for me currently. I haven't gotten to test my limits at big events yet like I have in Smash. I haven't gotten to compete in larger locals. There's a lot of things I haven't done in Lorcana that I have done in Smash.

        Luck, an interesting give and take:

        One big thing I like about Smash is that luck is seemingly a non-factor. If I'm better, I am very likely going to win. Obviously some days I'm playing better or worse, same with my opponent. Match-ups exist etc. But in regards to luck? You have complete control. There is no random card from the top of the deck to come save you or ruin you. 

        That is not the case in Lorcana. Of course, better players will win more frequently by a significant margin in Lorcana; it is a very skilled-based game. But there's definitely, definitely, luck in a game of Lorcana that you simply cannot find in a game of Smash Bros (unless one's playing Hero, I suppose).

        That luck is alluring in some ways, for sure. The simple fact that there's not perfect information is an intriguing puzzle to me. The new options and possibilities the top card of the deck presents to me every turn is a ton of fun. But I certainly find it frustrating when my opponent top decks their only out or I draw a brick hand. 

        Now, of course, the reverse can happen. I have been the benefactor of several top decks that have won me games. But, I gotta say, the bad feeling when my opponent top decks the win compared to the good feeling of doing the same, for me at least, is heavier on the bad feeling side**. Some games I even feel a little bad about being lucky; I remember one game in particular I felt like my opponent should win and I just so happened to draw the board wipes at the right times to win; wasn't my favorite victory in the world -- vaguely reminiscent of when your opponent SD's in Smash for you to win.

        But overall, the luck, hidden information, and asymmetry are really critical to the game for me. It's a massive source of the interesting decision making the game offers.

        Regardless, all that being said:

        The strange thing is, I'm currently at a crossroads in my life where I don't know when or even if I'll compete in either ever again. I'm located in a town that's just over an hour away from a competitive scene for either game. For me personally, the drive is simply too long to pursue either of these things regularly. I'm currently attempting to get a job at which point I could be anywhere. But for now, I'm done. And the future is uncertain.

        Sure, sure, Ben assures me that I'll move to a spot for my job and simply start competing in Smash again. And there's no reason that can't be true for Lorcana as well. And as I write this, I really want to go and compete wherever I end up, but that desire waxes and wanes, so I guess we'll just have to wait and see.

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*Going through this post again about a month later before publishing it, and, man, I miss the Smash scene up at college. I know in large part this is due to the community and simply being able to compete in something, however, so I think a good chunk of my point here still stands.

**As I say that though, a memory counteracting that comes to mind: It was one of the, if not the, most intense match I've ever played. The stakes were high, the games were close, the winner uncertain. And a Merlin Goat was finally drawn. The elation I felt was amongst the highest I've ever felt in a tournament. However, to be fair, I could have drawn that Goat a whole lot earlier to win me the set. So it didn't feel like pure luck, it felt like I was due, if that makes sense. But idk. Interesting to think about regardless.

Creation Thawing (A Poem About My Creative Process)

Creation Thawing (9/20/25)

It's easier to do nothing than something

So nothing often happens

It's easier to stop than finish

So stop often happens

It's easier to consume than create

So consume often happens

Such easy dopamine

The things I truly want lay on the wayside

So many choices 

The things I do make me feel like I am missing another

Ice creeps through my veins

So I sit in paralysis

So afraid of failing while creating

So afraid of creating something worth nothing

But perhaps the attempt itself has intrinsic value

So afraid of choosing one over another

So afraid of wasting that potential

But perhaps they can all be done, one by one

I'm afraid of wasting

I'm afraid of freezing

But perhaps I need only to try

When the ice starts to form

And my brain starts to short circuit

I'll heed those voices not

And channel this desire strong

I'll focus on a thing I want

And create it

September 2025 Journal Entry

Holy cow it's already October. 

Silksong

        Well, if last month was the month of Minecraft, then this month was the month of Silksong. I actually love this game tons. It was sooo much fun. Seriously so good despite my critiques of it. You can, ofc, read pretty much all my thoughts on it in My In-Depth Review of Hollow Knight: Silksong.

Scrabble

        Scrabble deserves it's own bullet point on this list. For some reason my family got really into Scrabble for a couple weeks. Playing it every night when Hannah got home from work. When Hannah got back over the weekend, I'd just be itching to play Scrabble. It's been great. We've still been playing it just not every day kind of frequent.

Wrote Tons of Other Blogposts That I Haven't Published Yet

        For some reason my blog-writing juices were flowing this month, so I wrote several different things. I'm not sure exactly why I haven't published them. I actually did a similar thing in August -- I have three blogposts from August that are almost done that I for some reason didn't finish/post. For now I think I'll chuck one up every week for a bit, idk exactly, we'll see what happens. But be on the outlook for those, I guess.

Family and Grandpa's Funeral

        My Grandpa passed away August 28th and his funeral was on September 13th. I had the chance to be a pallbearer. He is missed, but I know it was his time. I'm just happy he's with Grandma again and doesn't have to deal with a deteriorating body/mind any longer.

        Many cousins I haven't seen in many many years came into Fallon for his funeral. It was so wonderful to see so much family and catch up with various cousins. I feel very confident in the theory that that week, more descendants of my grandpa were in Fallon than at any other time.

        So much family meant lots of activities and games, ofc! Got to go back to our roots with a game of capture the flag and then some Murder in the Dark I mean Gardeners in the Dark (Sun! Sun! Sun! Sun!) Got to play some Mario Baseball --  it's seriously so good (and salt inducing). Played some Sarge's Army. Played various board games including Caverna, Bunny Kingdom, Crossfire, Spades and some other ones I'm sure. 

        I love my family, even those I barely know, and it was very good to have so many people here for Grandpa.

Breach by Twenty One Pilots Came Out

        Just remembered this also happened this month; wow, it's been quite the month. I love love this album and have been listening to it a ton. 

        As referenced last month, I'm really going to try to let this album sink in fully before updating my tier list. I will say this related note right now because I want to: This album is the hardest album for me to rank the individual songs against each other. There are 14 songs, and my 2-10 from the album is pretty much still all in the air. That #1 spot isn't super safe, but I think I have chosen a favorite. I also have my lowest 2, probably 4, figured out. But, like, seriously. It's so so tough.

Dropped off Ben in Rexburg, Swung by Boise

        Ben's now at BYU-Idaho without me 😭 But I had the chance to drive him up. Got to see a couple roommates and several people from the Smash scene; it was really nice.

        Took a 2-hour detour so I could see Andrew and Jamie and their new baby girl Addison. Got to hold 4 day-old Addison for about 2 hours and chat with Andrew and Jamie. Such a blessing. Love them all so much.

Job Stuff

        Took pretty much 2 weeks off from job stuff due to family being in town, Grandpa's funeral, getting to visit Rexburg/Boise, Silksong, and getting down on myself when attempting to do stuff. However, two potential leads came up. I have an interview with Joseph's company coming up in 6 days. And there's potentially going to be an opening at Thomas's company; we'll see.

Exercise Unlocked

        Spent a lot of time this past week building a work-out social media app of sorts for my family. Built entirely in google sheets, the base idea is you do exercise to get Sweat Coin and achievements (which also get you Sweat Coin). You can spend that Sweat Coin at shops to customize your page and make it look real cool. It's been a lot of fun to build, and hopefully it'll lead to more exercise! It certainly will for me.

        Just got the 1.0 version out today, but there are many other things cooking up that I plan on adding. I'm excited to continue to work on it and make it better:)

President Nelson

        President Nelson just passed away. I know he was a prophet of God. I bear witness of that.